Be patience! Betul ke sabar itu ada tahap nya?
Updated: Jul 7
When you look back your life, trying to see in different views, you will see there is a lot of pain. You hurt by their words. You hurt by their actions. It gives you so much pain. You may be caught your self crying behind the door in the darkest night. You cry so hard, thinking what did they do? How on earth they can even said that to you.
You remember the quote says,
“Don`t let there people say/think get in your way. Their action reflect on them not you”.
But the question is, why we are the one who received this? If this is not affecting you? Why you have been chosen to receive this pain? It is nothing related to you. Those questions come to your mind trying to find the way out.
I remember, people always says, probably they agree with the quote,
“Patience has the limit”.
I stumbled. People will always say this when they are angry. When they think they are not longer able to hold up. I was questioning my self. Does it really has the limit?
Then, I also received a very kind advice saying, "Just be patience”. In the hard time, who would accept this advice? Some might say,
“I have been patience for too long. I can’t bear and now you asking me to be patience.”
It is really, easy to say.
If patience has the limit, why Allah offers the paradise in the hereafter for those who patiences?
If patience has the limit, why Allah says in the Quran,
“Give glad tiding for those who patience?”
Then I decided. I disagree with the thought that, patience has the limit.
My kind of advice to you, don’t put the limit to your patience. Don’t say that you're human beings not the prophet that can bear the pain.
No. You don’t want to loose the rewards after being patience. Do you?
Do you really do want to loose it?
If you don’t,
Then you come the next question,
“Then in this hard time, what else should I do, then?"
I explain these two options in separate paragraphs below, imagine we are in the first situation,
If a person attack us with bad words, insult and rudeness, they being toxic over us to the extend that we ever says; “ok, this is over the boarder, he/she crossed the limit, I can not be patience anymore”. Sometimes it triggers our angry and sometimes we may loose our cool.
In this situation, we might have options whether;
to talk to them, set the boundary, make the boundary clear to them so they won’t cross again or we walk away never talk to them in the future in sense of protecting from the negatives threat.
But the things is, before we even get a chance to decide whether or not we want to take it or walk away from them, the poison has already taken the place and we already hurt.
Psychologically, what is actually happen here is we are in the fight and flight response mode. Our sympathetic nervous system is activated. When we are in this mode, our digestive system decrease, heart rate increase, and the pupil dilate, our body received the information whether to fight or to flee.
If we decide to fight, we talk to them or react to it. If we decide to flee, we will just walk away and never appear again to protect our pride and dignity.
The reason why practice patience in this situation is not easy, is because we need to “switch” our body nervous system from sympathetic nervous system to para sympathetic while we are in the sympathetic situation.
Compare to the events that we may have no option unless to accept it; such as health issue, if disease affecting us or loosing any part of our body. There is no way to protect ourself from those diseases. If we sick, we can not walk away and saying, I feel like my temperature is high and I don’t want this. We only have to accept it. The same also happens to our nervous system
There is a quote saying;
“What is destined will reach you, even if it underneath two mountains, what is not destined will not reach you even if it be between your lips”
Umar bin Khattab, RA
As much as it applies to provision, it is also applicable to the calamities in life.
I would like to bring you to see this from this angle, instead of focusing on the real issue. Try to see that, what ever it is, it is for us. If we see from this angle, we know that either in both situations no matter how intense it was affecting us, it is destined that way. If you rich, you rich. If you sick, you sick. If you being insulted. You are insulted.
Do you think we have the privilege to set our boundaries to control what will reach us? And tell people, “Hey, my patience is at level 6 so don’t anybody dare to trigger anything?”
This bring me the idea when people put the label to others like, Aminah is very cool lady, very patience. Like to tell people, “She is very patient and won’t get mad if we do this”.
What about Siti? She is not patient, She will be mad if we do this. What about us? Are we not cool? Are we not patient?
Really? Do we treat people the way they being judged and which level of patience they are?
Think about it.
But this is what happen in real life. Our life.
But, now, I will focusing on how to combat this when you are really in fight and flight response. This is what I practice myself and highly suggest to help yourself when in hard time whether in the first or second-like situation.
If you are in difficult time, say you lost your loved ones, you lost your job, marriage problem, business is not going well, being treated unjustly, or anything that seems like your life threat or hurt you in anyway.
Please know that we are all with you. You are not alone. I do have been challenged like you do and so do they.
That is what we can not control. What we can do and control is how we react to them. Are going to pretend that we not struggle? Are we going to pretend that we are not hurt? Let me remind you this,
If you are the person who believe in life after death, you know that this life is temporary. Those challenges, struggles and the calamities are always temporary. This too, shall pass. Take it as a pinch on your lap and will fade away over time.
As in Islam,
This is not uncommon as it says;
“We shall test you with hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits”
“The life of this world is only deceiving of enjoyment”
“Allah created you the jinn and mankind to worship me alone.”
That means, this life is not real happiness. It will end. The happiness is temporary so do the challenges. We may have lived for the longest 60 years. We might not even reach the age. Do you think it is long enough compare to the age in the afterlife which we will live eternally.
How to react to those unexpected life events, this is how they taught us;
As you switching from sympathetic to parasympathetic mode in your nervous system, do this,
Together with the action of your heart and tongue, truly return back the situation to Him, He own the calamities not us. He is the one who put is in this situation. He is the one, who is full of knowledge and total control, with hikmah want us to experience this. Our prophet ﷺ guided us to what is more beneficial than that, which is to say at the first place.
“Qaddarallahu wa maa sha’a fa’ala
(Allah has ordained and as He willed, He has done)”
If you ever come across Ustaz Khalid Basalamah taught us about being patient; he always says this, (I will keep it in the original language);
“Sabar itu, bukan duduk manis. Sabar itu, menerima takdir Allah, kemudian ikhtiar mencari jalan keluar”
In his book titled, “Musibah, kenali sebabnya, nikmati prosesnya.”
He says once;
“Nikmati prosesnya saja. Jangan keluh kesah kerana itu tidak akan selesaikan masalah.”
What he says, really got me.
Some dua`as I can share from the authentic hadith and I tag along where I get that from as a sign of appreciation and remembrance;
My sister`s mother in law advised me once, say; if anything afflicted you, say this,
“ Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon
Indeed we belong to Him, and indeed we will return”
Hey, who says, being patience is easy? I find it very challenging. At this age, I still questioning how to do the patience-thing. Do you?
But, would you deny, it is do-able. You can do this, friend. I can do this. They can do this too.
Learn about the most challenging situations, our Prophets experienced in the past. How they stand strong and keep their cool. How they react to those thing befallen them. Do they got angry?
Asiyah, the wife of Pharaoh was lived in an abusive marriage
Prophet Zakariya, struggled infertility to have a child
Prophet Yusuf, Was put in the prison for something he did not do
Prophet Ayyub, was battled with sickness.
And many more.
The wisdoms is:
If you limit the patience, you stop at the path that you already know the end of it is the paradise. If putting the limit is a must, extend it to the paradise. Don’t loose your cool. Don’t loose it even you have been holding it for quite long time.
Before this chapter ends,
I shall share with you an authentic hadeeth about challenges and calamities in life.
“Calamities and disasters are a test, and they are a sign of Allaah’s love for a person, because they are like medicine: even though it is bitter, despite its bitterness you give it to the one whom you love – and for Allaah is the highest description. In the saheeh hadeeth it says: “The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allaah loves a people He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure but whoever is discontent with that earns His wrath.”
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2396) and Ibn Maajah (4031); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
So, let say no to the idea of,
“My patience has a limit” or
“My personality is depend on your attitude towards me.”
My friend, Weya has also helped me, with her wisdom words she said something like;
Let`s be graceful and be kind. Think about, if you are a kind person, and people treat you bad. What would the kind person do? Do they yell at them back? Do they shouting and say bad things?
It is okay people treat us bad. It is okay with the life challenges. We got this. We just learnt how to react on this. We try this ok.
When you are in a the position of the oppressed your dua`a is answered directly.
This is the time you make dua`a, which I learnt form the book, The art of letting God;
“O Allah, make them stop insult/say bad things to me.”
"O Allah, help me to be more resilient when this happen again in the future."
"O Allah, put this in the position of deep realisation that what they have done, is wrong.”
So, does patience really has the limit?
It is our individual capacity to accept the life event that was just happened. How big our plate can support the event. Our capacity is actually retractable, it can expand or shrink, just our muscle does.
If you can see from this angle, you will see that, we are human, we have very limited capacity and that shows we are so weak, we need help from the source of the strength.
Turn out, this shape us to be humble human being, rather than trying so hard to be patience. Would you be able to see the tweaks?
So, does it really works to advice them, to just be patience? .. you decide…
Just remember that, life events that put you in the position is the one that has the limit of time.
It will expired! It is temporary.
So enjoy the process.
“There is always the light at the end of the tunnel, it will shows when you ready”